译注：朋友的这篇作品，写于母亲节。朋友不原意署名，怕人误解，以为他憎恨小孩。我明白朋友的原意是在说父母养育孩子的艰辛。我不爱翻译别人的文字。破例译了这一篇，是因为，我不想中文的读者误解我的朋友的本意。木匠。1999－05－03
So, You Want To
Be A Parent..?
那么，你打算养育孩子啦---？
糟木匠 译
So you want to be
a parent?
Thinking about
having children?
True
那么，你打算要加入做父母的行列，考虑要几个孩子？那当然
preparation for
parenthood at any
age....
在任何年纪，你都能操演如何去做父母---
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Lesson 1 练习一
Go to the
supermarket.
去超级市场。
Arrange to have
your salary paid
directly to their
head office. Go
home.
登记办理直接由你的工资转帐到超级市场总办公室的支付方式，回家。
Pick up the
paper. 打开报纸。 Read
it for the last
time.
最后一次读报，向报纸告别。
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Lesson 2 练习二
Before you
finally go ahead
and have
children, find a
couple who
already are
parents and
berate them about
their...
在你准备好做父母之前，找一对已经有孩子的夫妇，严厉谴责他们---
1. Methods of
discipline.
1。对孩子的处罚方式。
2. Lack of
patience.
2。缺乏耐心。
3. Appallingly
low tolerance
levels.
3。太不够宽容。
4. Allowing their
children to run
wild.
4。让孩子在外面乱跑。
Suggest ways in
which they might
improve their
child's sleeping
habits, toilet
training, table
manners and
overall behavior.
Enjoy it.
随后，对该父母提出建议，他们应该教孩子适时睡觉，教孩子有规律地大小便，在饭桌上应该守规矩等等.你要一本正经地这么做。
It will be the
last time in your
life that you
will have all the
answers.
你会在你这辈子中，对所有问题终于得到完全的解答。
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Lesson 3 练习三
To discover how
the nights will
feel...
体会夜间的感受---
1. Walk around
the living room
from 5PM to 10PM
carrying a wet
bag weighing
approximately
8-12 pounds, with
a radio turned to
static (or some
other obnoxious
sound) playing
loudly.
1。将一台收音机调到有噪声的地方（或其他令人讨厌的声音）将音量调至最大。把收音机放在一个重8－12磅的湿包上，抱着这个包，在起居室中转，从下午
5时，转到晚上10时。
2. At 10PM, put
the bag down, set
the alarm for
midnight,and go
to sleep.
2。到晚上10点，放下包，把闹钟设到半夜12点，去睡觉。
3. Get up at 12
and walk around
the living room
again, with the
bag, until 1AM.
3。12点钟起床，抱起包，到起居室，转到凌晨1点。
4. Set the alarm
for 3 AM.
4。把闹钟设到凌晨3点。
5. As you can't
get back to
sleep, get up at
2AM and make a
drink.
5。由于你睡不着，凌晨2点起床调配一杯饮料。
6. Go to bed at
2:45AM.
6。2点45分上床睡觉。
7. Get up at 3AM
when the alarm
goes off.
7。到3点时，在床上赖到闹钟不响了才起床。
8. Sing songs in
the dark until
4AM.
8。在黑暗中，哼歌哼到清晨4点。
9. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep
this up for 5
years. Look
cheerful.
9。起床，做早餐。将这个练习做5年。带着轻松欢快的心情做这个练习。
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Lesson 4 练习四
Can you stand the
mess children
make? To find
out...
你能对孩子弄成的一塌糊涂无动于衷？试试看吧－－－
1. Smear peanut
butter onto the
sofa and jam onto
the curtains.
1。把花生酱抹在沙发上，把果酱涂在窗帘上。
2. Hide a piece
of raw chicken
behind the stereo
and leave it
there all summer.
2。将一块生鸡肉塞在音响设备后面，让那块鸡在那儿呆整整一个夏天。
3. Stick your
fingers in the
flower bed.
3。将你的手指在花圃中粘满泥浆。
4. Then rub them
on the clean
walls.
4。找面干净的墙，将手上的泥浆擦上去。
5. Cover the
stains with
crayons. How does
that look?
5。用蜡笔将墙上的污迹涂盖起来，看看效果如何？
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Lesson 5 练习五
Dressing small
children is not
as easy as it
seems.
给小孩穿衣服可没有想象的那么简单。
1. Buy an octopus
and a small bag
made out of loose
mesh.
1。买一条章鱼，和一个小袋，将小袋剪上小口，做成一只网
2. Attempt to put
the octopus into
the bag so that
none of the arms
hang out. Time
allowed for
this--all
morning.
2。尽你的力将章鱼放入网袋，不要让章鱼的触手漏出网外。允许时间，整个上午。
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Lesson 6 练习六
1. Take an egg
carton. Using a
pair of scissors
and pot of paint,
turn it into an
alligator.
1。取一只装鸡蛋的纸盒，用一把剪刀和一罐油漆，把鸡蛋盒做成一只鳄鱼。
2. Now take the
tube from a roll
of toilet paper.
Using only Scotch
tape and a piece
of foil, turn it
into an
attractive
Christmas candle.
2。现在，找一只厕所纸的卷筒，只用胶带纸和一小片金属纸膜，将纸筒做成逗人喜爱的圣诞节蜡烛。
3. Last take a
milk carton, a
ping-pong ball,
and an empty
packet of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an
exact replica of
the Eiffel Tower.
3。最后，用一只装牛奶的纸盒，一只乒乓球和一个空可乐胶瓶，做一个艾菲尔铁塔的模型。
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Lesson 7 练习七
Forget the BMW
and buy a station
wagon. And don't
think that you
can leave it out
in the driveway
spotless and
shining. Family
cars don't look
like that.
别想着华丽的宝马轿车了，买一辆老气横秋的家庭用车。别想着停在车道上的车是毫无损伤和光华照人的，家庭用车不是那样的。
1. Buy a
chocolate ice
cream cone and
put it in the
glove
compartment.
Leave it there.
1。买一只巧克力的冰琪琳，把冰琪琳放在驾驶室内的附件箱中，别动它。
2. Get a dime.
Stick it in the
cassette player.
2。取一枚十分的硬币，将它塞入音响的盒带槽中。
3. Take a family
size package of
chocolate
cookies. Mash
them into the
backseat.
3。将一大盒巧克力饼，捣成糊状，抹在后座上。
4. Run a garden
rake along both
sides of the car.
4。
使用除草耙，在车身两则反复划。
There. Perfect.
瞧瞧，多好呀。
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Lesson 8 练习八
Get ready to go
out.
出门前的准备
1. Wait outside
the bathroom for
half an hour.
1。在厕所外等半小时。
2. Go out the
front door.
2。出大门口。
3. Come in again.
3。再回来。
4. Go out.
4。出去。
5. Come back in.
5。回来。
6. Go out again.
6。再出去。
7. Walk down the
front path.
7。在门前小道上走过去。
8. Walk back up
it.
8。走回来。
9. Walk down it
again.
9。再走过去。
10. Walk very
slowly down the
road for five
minutes.
10。用非常慢的速度在路上荡五分钟。
11. Stop, inspect
minutely, and ask
at least 6
questions about
every cigarette
butt, piece of
used chewing gum,
dirty tissue, and
dead insect along
the way.
11。停下来，花点时间学做侦探。对发现的每个烟头，吐在路边的口香糖，脏纸片，死虫子等，每件东西至少提出6点疑问。
12. Retrace your
steps.
12。转头回家。
13. Scream that
you have had as
much as you can
stand until the
neighbors come
out and stare at
you.
13。拼命叫喊，尽力持续下去，直到邻居们都出门来看着你为止。
14. Give up and
go back into the
house. You are
now just about
ready to try
taking a small
child for a walk.
14。垂头丧气地走回屋子。你所练习的是，等着领一个小孩去散步。
***********************************************
Lesson 9 练习九
Repeat everything
at least, if not
more than, five
times.
反复做以上的八个练习，使每个练习都做五遍以上。
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Lesson 10 练习十
Go to the local
supermarket. Take
with you the
nearest thing you
can find to a
preschool child.
到离家较近的超级市场，顺便带上一个，和上学前班儿童相近的活动物体。
(A full-grown
goat is
excellent.) If
you intend to
have more than
one child, take
more than one
goat.
（一只成年的山羊是再好也不过的了。）如果你打算要多于一个的小孩，就带上多于一只的山羊。
Buy your week's
groceries without
letting the goats
out of your
sight. Pay for
everything the
goat eats or
destroys. Until
you can easily
accomplish this,
do not even
contemplate
having children.
买齐一星期所需要的食物杂货，不要让那些山羊离开你的视线。赔偿山羊所吃掉或损坏的物品。这个练习做不好，就别想着要孩子。
***********************************************
Lesson 11 练习十一
1. Hollow out a
melon.
1。挖空一个西瓜。
2. Make a small
hole in the side.
2。在瓜皮的一侧挖一个小洞。
3. Suspend it
from the ceiling
and swing it from
side to side.
3。将瓜皮吊在天花板上，令其荡过来，荡过去。
4. Now get a bowl
of soggy Cheerios
and attempt to
spoon them into
the swaying melon
by pretending to
be an airplane.
4.
现在，取一豌草莓糊，尽力用匙将糊经由小洞灌进摇摆着的瓜皮。你得说，这是飞机在飞。
5. Continue until
half the Cheerios
are gone.
5。继续下去，直到弄完半豌草莓糊。
6. Tip half into
your lap. The
other half just
throw up in the
air. You are now
ready to feed a
12-month-old
baby.
6。剩下的，一半涂在你的周身，一半四处抛撒。你现在懂喂十二个月大的小孩了。
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Lesson 12 练习十二
Learn the names
of every
character from
Sesame Street,
Barney, Teenage
Mutant Ninja
Turtles, and
Disney. Watch
nothing else on
T.V. for at least
five years.
熟背儿童电视“芝麻街”，“聪明小兔”，“少年忍者龟”，“迪斯尼动画”中的每一个人名，字符。至少在五年里不看其他的任何节目。
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Lesson 13 练习十三
Move to the
tropics. Find or
make a compost
pile. Dig down
about halfway in
and stick your
nose in it. Do
this 3-5 times a
day for two
years.
到热带丛林中去，找一堆腐朽物，挖开一半，用鼻子去闻。一天3－5次，持续两年。
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Lesson 14 练习十四
Make a recording
of Fran Drescher
saying "mommy"
repeatedly. (Important:No
more than a four
second delay
between each
"mommy";
occasional
crescendo to the
level of a
supersonic jet is
required.) Play
this tape in your
car everywhere
you go for the
next four years.
You are now ready
to take a long
trip with a
toddler.
将女明星芙琅。倔歇那颇有特色，叫“妈咪”的声音，周而复始地录下来。（重点：两声“妈咪”之间的停顿不可超过四秒；偶尔应将叫声加大到超音速飞机的音响水平。）将录音带放在你的车中，随时随地，不停地播放，持续四年。现在，你可以带着步履蹒跚的孩子去旅行了。
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Lesson 15 练习十五
Start talking to
an adult of your
choice. Have
someone else
continually tug
on your skirt
hem, shirt
sleeve, or elbow
while playing the
"mommy" tape made
from Lesson
FOURTEEN above.
You are now ready
to have a
conversation with
an adult while
there is a child
in the room.
选择一位成年人与之交谈。交谈时播放练习十四中的录音带，并叫人不停地拉你的裙边，袖口和胳膊。你现在可以在有孩子的房间里与他人交谈了。
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Lesson 16 练习十六
Put on your
finest work
attire. Pick a
day in which you
have an important
meeting.
选择一个有重要会议的日子，打扮好，穿上上班的套装
1. Take a cup of
cream, and put 1
cup lemon juice
in it.
1。取一杯奶油，放入一杯柠檬汁。
2. Stir.
2。搅拌。
3. Dump it on
your nice shirt.
Also, saturate a
towel with this
mixture.
3。将拌好的奶油果汁倒在你漂亮的衬衣上。同时使奶油果汁将一条毛巾浸透。
4. Attempt to
wipe it off with
this towel.
4。试着用浸透了奶油果汁的毛巾去擦衬衣。
5. Do NOT change.
You have no time.
5。－－不要－－去换衣服，你没有时间。
6. Go directly to
work.
6。就这么去上班。
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Lesson 17 练习十七
Go for a ride,
but first...
让别人开车，你坐一次车，但首先－－－
1. Find one large
tomcat and six
pitbulls.
1。找一只体形大且凶狠的猫和六只恶狗。
2. Borrow a child
safety seat and
put it in the
back seat of your
car.
2。借一张儿童的安全座，把安全座放在汽车的后座上。
3. Put the
pitbulls in the
front seat of
your car.
3。将六只恶狗放在汽车的前座。
4. While holding
something fragile
or delicate,
strap the cat
into the child
seat.
4。你手上拿着怕碰宜碎的东西，将猫扣在儿童安全座上。
For the really
adventurous...
Run some errands,
remove and
replace the cat
at each stop.
为达到真实效果－－－多试试看，在每次停车时将猫解下安全带抱出来，再扣回去。
***